Nightmares

I have had the same nightmare for three nites running. I am driving down a road in the city and stop for a stop light in the turn lane. A man is walking across the street, looks at me then lunges through the passenger window asking for a cigarette.

I tell him no.

He lunges grabbing me around the neck and I return the gesture but I also step on the gas and start pounding his face with my other fist while driving with my knee.

A cop gets behind us with lights and sirens but the guy won't let go. So I squeeze his throat harder and poke at his eyes. He screams when I hit my target and lets go of me. But I hang on because do not want to let him get away.

I slam on the brakes and the cop pulls up on the passenger side and grabs the guy - he tells me to let go but I can't - my hand is frozen. The cop pulls harder and I know it appears to him I am trying to kill the guy. He tells me to let go or he will shoot. I yell NO, don't shoot but then the guy does.

I still have him by the throat but I look down and see a red stain spreading across my chest. I look up and I see an old friend turning blue then I hear another shot and he goes limp and I wake up in a cold sweat.

It seems so real.

Another Friend Update 3

Tuesday early morning I had given six burials for my enemies so far.

Tuesday and Wednesday were uneventful. Recon showed no activity. It looked like I could claim victory.

Then late Thursday afternoon I noticed one of my mines were missing – last night another was gone. I’m thinking maybe I better get some help and figure out where they are making entry to my second floor apartment.

I tried to charm the local cat with some tuna salad but he ignored me. He used to come to my front window and meow until I let him in.

My window opens right to the roof of the front porch. He came in, checked all the rooms and corners and under whatever he could find.

Then he’d take a nap on the couch until I woke him. He always showed his displeasure by meowing loudly until I let him out.

I’ve seen him play with mice – sometimes for a long time – and I’ve heard when he tires of playing with them he deposits them in his food dish as if to tell his owner his culinary desires.

So I have more mice – back in the battle again.

Another Friend Update 2

About three this afternoon I woke from a nap. I decided to get up and start supper.

Both traps had been sprung again - I was getting good at reloading my weapons and getting them positioned just right. It was not going to take me long at this rate.

But it made me think - what if this was a family of mice. A mother, father, son and daughter just trying to get by? They might have been traveling to a new home and were just visiting long enough to get nourishment and some rest before continuing their trip.

Maybe this was their final location - some welcome I gave them. As the day wore on and my popcorn mines stayed in place and the camouflage kept my weapons hidden and the did not fire I wonderded if I might have guessed right.

I thought about what would have happen if someone had declared war on my family when we were so young. My brain was going places I would not have given a second thought if I had only caught one or two mice.

Then I heard a snap and I notched my sixth victory. Screw it I said out loud - you invaded my lands without permission - tough. I reloaded my weapon, relaid some mines and took another nap - war is very tiring.

It it now five am on Tuesday morning. Been watching TV and playing with blog setups and the computer in general. The Sitrep on the war has not changed. I just did Recon and none of the mines have been disturbed. Over twelve hours of no activity from the enemy. Maybe they retreated or maybe they are waiting for reinforcements.

I noticed the neighors outside cat sitting on my back porch - maybe he has been on patrol too. Maybe the mice are waiting for the next season - the yearly war - but maybe it is still too warm.

I'll keep my mines in place and we'll see what happens.

I'll live this report open for another day or so before declaring complete victory.

Another Friend Update

Monday Morning

I was almost asleep last night when something popped. My eyes snapped open but I did not hear anything else. Being in that place where you are more asleep then awake, I went back to sleep.

About three I got up to pee but was still not in the awake state and went back to sleep.

At four a loud car woke me – same loud car every weekday morning since last winter - one of these days I’m going to be standing in the rode with a hammer to ask him where the heck he goes so early.

I was almost back to sleep when SNAP! - my eyes were forced open. This time I knew what I had heard.

I got my flashlight to do Recon. Both of my traps were sprung – I was right – there was more then one – maybe a whole platoon.

I reset my traps after giving the soldiers an honorable burial, and grabbed a heel from the loaf of bread to camouflage my traps and entice any other enemy soldiers.

After checking my work and feeling good about my victory I went back to bed but no joy – my stomach was grumbling and I was ready to start my day.

While I heated my water for tea I noticed the camouflage for the old wooden trap had disappeared. I could not believe it – they must have a battalion trying to plunder my treasures.

I have plenty of ammo and plan on keeping a sharp watch until I get them all the darn bastards. So far it is me three, the enemy zero.

Another Friend

I last wrote about my conversationalist coming to a dreadful end ( Thursday Oct 16, 08).

Well evidently it had a friend or friends. Out of habit I dropped some popcorn beside the stove and less then an hour later a piece was missing.

I blamed my memory and figured I had miscounted so I counted again and wrote the number on a scratch pad.

Look what I have reduced myself to – counting popped kernels of corn.

A half hour later another piece was missing and I cursed the mice gods. I had already reset the trap and it was in the path to the popcorn.

I got my video camera out and re-checked my work – trap was armed – until I set it down too hard.

Why do you still jump when you are the one making the loud noise?

I put the trap back in place and waited for the sound of victory.

I had decided to declare war. I promptly forgot about my declaration and spent a few hours watching the stupid box.

About midnight I was hungry – the sight of the stove in the darken room reminded me I was at war – I snuck back out of the kitchen without turning on the light and retrieved a flashlight from the bedroom.

I just wanted a glimpse of my enemy. They always say to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I’m all for it - except when the enemy is bigger then me.

There was no one there – my black weapon with its chrome trigger (the spring loaded bar) was undisturbed. But the other pieces of popcorn were gone.

The other side must be resting so I decided to do the same and went to bed.

Friday morning I decided to Recon the area but nothing had changed.

For breakfast I cooked some pancakes and tore off a corner and put in on top of the trap – maybe it would disguise my weapon.

I finished breakfast, cooked some lunch and each check showed the Sitrep unchanged.

At supper, the camo was gone. Man, the enemies I was facing were good.

Before retreating to no-man’s-land I reloaded my weapon with fresh ammo just to be on the safe side and camouflaged my weapon again. As I was getting ready I thought to myself that I hope my bedroom was really no-man’s-land. My enemy might be sitting on the night stand watching me sleep.

Saturday I forgot to check – I did not sleep well – I kept dreaming about this mouse stroking his gun repeating the saying “Here Kitty-Kitty, Here Kitty-Kitty.” I kept licking my head and rubbed my face to get the hair off.

Today, Sunday, I noticed that the camouflage was gone but my weapon was still locked and loaded. Darn these guys were good.

I watched the NASCAR race and made some popcorn – I scattered a few pieces along the path to my trap, sort of like mines. Five mines to be exact and one of those was a double – two pieces stuck together.

About fifteen minutes later I realized I had forgotten my drink and returned to the kitchen.

My enemy is so quick – all my mines were gone - there must be hundreds of them. Those four pieces and one extra large piece would feed a family of twenty if they were the size of mice.

I dug around in my warehouse of old antique weapons and found an old wooden trap. I armed it but realized I forgot to put in the ammo after I had pushed it behind the stove.

I dropped some sugar on it – no way I was going to try and move a wide-open trap like that. I also put some more mines out as a test.

That was about an hour ago on Sunday night. I am getting ready for bed. I can barely keep my eyes open – not good for a lookout.

I’ll give updates as warranted on the Sitrep – I plan on creating a battle plan while sleeping. My first thought of burning them out didn’t ring very practical.

My New Best Friend - Final Chapter?

I am sorry (or am I happy) to bring you the latest report on my new friend.

I have been patiently waiting for the 'snap' that says our friendship is over.

How many times have you wished it was that easy to end it with some of your friends?

So I went to sleep at 4 am expecting to have the final rites when I woke.

Somehow the little creature has avoided his destiny. I can hear all you mice lovers cheering. One explanation, he sleep the same time as me. Another, he was on a trip to another hot spot. Or maybe he got caught with his tail out at a different dive.

Whatever (I am refraining from using curses) the little creature has not made an appearance since about 4 am. I left him a snack of graham cracker right in front of the trap. Very seldom takes longer then a half hour for it to disappear but ten hours later it is still there.

I just heard a noise - can it be? Wait..........



I am sorry to report that 'it' ate its last meal just a few minutes ago.

Goodbye dear friend, you will NOT be missed.

And yes this is true - no literary license taken here my friends.

Of Mice and Man

I live in an older house on the upper floor and when the weather turns the mice come in to play. I never see flies or any other pests except for those few orange beetles that like my bathroom window.

Anyway, I never hear the mouse, I never see any ‘tracks’ he/she visited. I have two ways to track the mice – one I keep a trap set and replace the dried out peanut butter every two weeks.

OR since I love popcorn and use crackers and eat graham crackers and bread on a regular basis I have gotten in the habit of leaving a few pieces in between the stove and kitchen sink (a good four inch gap). Popcorn is easy for me to see.

If I put it out and it disappears in the next 24 hours I know I have a problem so I set the trap.

If it stays I know I do not have visitors. The fastest I have seen it disappear is about five minutes. I took my bowl of popcorn to my computer desk and forgot a napkin (paper towel). The popcorn on the floor was gone.

The trap snapped less then twenty minutes later.

So if you see popcorn or other small pieces of dry food on my kitchen floor – that is my early detection system – not lazy housekeeping (check behind the couch for that).

Oh Of Mice and Men

Bathroom Hi-jinx

Every time I go to hike my foot to the edge of the tub to wash my ass and I ‘lean’ against the wall, I laugh out loud.

How many years did I try to balance myself when I really did not have to.

So funny.

Best T-Shirts

I was watching something and saw a stupid T-Shirt. My friends always made fun of a Bart Simpson T-shirt I wore – I can’t remember what it said – but back to my point.

One of the best T-Shirts I ever saw said “I Swallow” printed on the top of a nice set of boobs. The T-Shirt was so short, the bottom of the boobs could be seen.

My next favorite T-Shirt:

W I F E
Washing
Ironing
Fucking
Etc.

I laughed at that one a long time.

And my next favorite saying – a pair of panties that said, “If you can read this it is your luck day.” I never took them off the girl.

Zoning - Suggestions In Hurricane Areas

Can an engineer determine if an area is low and subject to a hurricane surge or flooding?

Can they build electric lines or utilites below ground that can not be knocked down by wind, cars or idiots?

An idiot could do both so why do hurricane prone areas still allow electric and other utilities above ground. And why do cities allow people to build homes in surge areas or flood plains.

These areas should be parks and playgrounds – worst damage after a hurricane should be hooking the swings back up or the slides need to be cleaned and polished.

The parking lots might need a street cleaner to make a pass or a few park rangers might have to pick up some branches.

When will someone get their head out of their ass?

I also think we should find all people who failed to evacuate and if they are still alive and were able to leave, shoot them where they stand and let them rot – ignorant assholes.

If people want to live on the beach, they can rent a fucking room for a week at a time. That income can be put in an account to provide upkeep for the park or rooms. Simple.

3-Ply Goodness

I just read that researches in Wis have invented a 3-ply toilet paper. See HERE.

I beg to differ but when I was young I invented 6 or 9-ply paper. When my finger went through the single-ply cheap ass paper my dad use to buy, I would wrap 6 or 7 or more layers around my hand and then wipe my ass – my finger never went through the paper again.

A couple of times I did have to plunge the toilet to get it to flush but it was better then wiping my ass with my bare finger.