Sorry blog - I forgot about you

Sorry blog but I sort of forgot about you. My father was battling lung cancer and my eyes were pretty bad the first of the year.I'll be adding stories as I can.

Bah Humbug!

Christmas this year was almost non-existent. I was sick for much of the four weeks before and even though I thought I was excited it never really happened.

I did get to see my son’s kids a couple of weeks after Thanksgiving for a while – his ex-wife is a real pain. It had been several months.

Christmas Eve and Day was the same as always. Since 1980 I have spent Christmas Day alone except for a four or five year period during my second marriage.

For several years I spent the day rebuilding my main server. A yearly project that started Christmas Eve at noon and continued until two days after Christmas. It kept me busy and I didn’t miss Christmas.

I usually spent Christmas Eve at my father’s with my kids and whatever relatives came home.

For the last four or five years that tradition stopped because my father was getting too old to entertain a house full of people.

So for the last four or five years I celebrated Christmas Eve and Day alone. I was fine with it. My kid’s in-laws always had dinners and their mother had Christmas dinner.

I always make a ham and a cheesecake. For some reason this year I forgot to buy a ham but didn’t think of it until a couple of says before. Since I can’t drive and my kids live out of town I blew it off.

I made chicken instead and really liked it. I made the cheesecake Christmas Day afternoon. That night I never got hungry for it – a first for me.

The next day I remembered I had not done any of my traditions. ‘Christmas Vacation’ movie in the afternoon and ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ at night. I usually threw ‘Star Wars’ in there just for good measure.

I spent the day surfing the net. It seemed like it was in the Bah Humbug mood too.

The next day my eyes were acting up and I couldn’t do much of anything but listen to the radio. I did finally eat half the cheesecake.

Yesterday my kids and grandkids visited my father. He is not long for the world and his mind is starting to go. We kept the visit short since he tires so easily.

And today the Bah Humbug feeling is just as strong.

So if I seemed distracted this year, just attribute it to growing old and wishing things did not have to change.

As least I am not in a nursing home.

Christmas Trees – They Suck

I remember the first Christmas tree I helped bring home. We went to the local A&P store parking lot and walked up and down the rows of trees looking for something. We had bay windows in the living room and the tree had to be just right.

Dad found the tree he wanted and we put it in the trunk of a ’57 Chevrolet – it was a four door. I remember he tied the trunk lid down with some twine the guy at the tree lot gave him.

When we got home he stood in the yard and shook it up and down and slammed the trunk into the ground several times trying to dislodge loose needles.

Then the tree stood on the porch until the next evening. I think we wanted the branches to fall? I do not remember for sure.

The next evening Dad sawed the end of the trunk off and I got to crawl around under the tree in all the needles screwing the tree stand on. I remember it took us several tries to get it straight and not have it fall over as soon as he let go.

Then we put it in the bay windows and the whole family decorated it.

The lights were as big as fifteen watt bulbs of today with heavy cord twisted between them. They were very heavy. If a bulb burned out it did not matter. The others still worked. After the lights we started on the ornaments. I think we all had our favorites.

There is one thing that to this day still irritates me. Why do people remove the hooks from the ornaments? Why can’t the hooks just be left attached? I never understood that.

Then the icicles – I hated those things. I could never pull just one from the pack.

For the next two or three weeks I was responsible for watering the tree.

My least favorite thing was taking the tree out. Actually it was picking up the needles by hand to prevent the vacuum from getting screwed up.

In 1972 I left home – I did not have another tree until 1975 when I was married. In 1981 I was divorced and did not have a tree until 1995 or 1996 when my daughter insisted.

I have not had a tree in the last four years. The artificial tree I bought in 1999 left when I was divorced.

Each time I think about getting one I remember being on my hands and knees picking up all those damn needles. It is just not appealing.

That’s why I think Christmas Trees suck.

I Know, I Know

I know, I know - I have been lax - but actually I have been sick, very sick and I would guess too blind to work for 75% of the time lately.

I have quit taking all my medicine and in a few weeks I will go to the doctor and have them tell me what I need. I feel so much better and my vision seems to be improving daily although I do not think it will ever get to the point I can read normal sized text without surgery.

I have several posts in mind and hope to start some soon.

The JFK Assassination

I was 11 in 1963 and had just finished crosswalk duty at Washington Grade School.

It was a cold rainy day and I could not wait to get home and sit in front of the register to warm up.

A lady that lived near the crosswalk told me I should hurry home, the President had been shot.

She had teased me on other occasions but I could not understand why she would tease about this.

I ran home and know I talked to Mom but I do not remember the conversation.

I do remember many hours in front of the TV watching the news and the funeral. I think we got 2 or 3 days off from school.

I remember the horse without the rider and the backwards boots. The cadence which I was forever reminded of whenever a marching band kept the beat for marching betweens songs.

The horse drawn hearse and the salute from his son. Jackie O veiled in black holding her children’s hands.

I remember watching a guy get shot on live TV. Ruby shooting Oswald I think.

I remember during the first few hours thinking it had to be a joke or a weird movie but the longer it went on, the more real it got and the sadder it got.

I know we spent a lot of time at school discussing everything – I guess they would call it grief counseling – we talked about it for a long time and nothing was off limits.

I do not remember the conspiracy talk until much later.

I remember watching the moon landing and I remembered JFK’s speech about reaching the moon by the end of the decade I think were his words.

I think that speech was the first presidential speech I had ever heard. I still remember the chills up and down my spine at some of his words.

I sometimes wonder what the world would have been like had whoever missed 45 years ago.

Would Vietnam have turned out different? Would we have landed on the moon? Would the supposed perpetrators have been caught and the conspiracy exposed?

Who would have been the next president if JFK had lived? What other goals were being considered by JFK beside the moon trip?

I remember when one of the reports came out, maybe the Warren report, that there was no way a group would conspire to kill a president – the position was too protected.

I was young and naïve. And was just starting to learn American History beyond the civil war.

Now after living through Vietnam, Watergate, Reagan, Clinton, 9-11, the space shuttle and station – the Internet and social networks, I find that nothing surprises me and that the people of the world are capable of anything. Anything.

I wonder if the world made a big wrong turn the day JFK died or did it make any difference at all.

I doubt I will ever know.

Stupid Neighbors

I stayed in bed for almost 24 hours yesterday to today except for bathroom and drink breaks. I also got up for a 2 hour email, twitter, and news check.

I fell so much better but I am still planning on living in bed today. I remembered why I was having so much trouble sleeping.

The downstairs neighbors have evidently installed a ceiling fan in the bedroom under mine. But the ceiling fan sounds like a dryer or an out of balance washing machine just starting to spin.

The nose is very irritating and is not cyclic – it does not repeat itself. It is different every revolution. I can not get use to it and filter it out.

If I have gone to sleep with it off, as soon as they turn it on it wakes me up.

If it is on, I cannot get to sleep, I try sleep on the couch but I am too use to my mattress.

I tried a fan to drown it out. I attempted playing a radio with different genres of music with no luck.

I put in ear plugs but the noisy intruder is anchored (maybe not correctly) right under my bed and the noise and vibration comes right through my bedding.

I cannot understand why the idiots do not hear it but they are of the mindset that just having a ceiling fan is a luxury never mind it makes lots of noise. They are clueless.

Or else they are doing it on purpose.

Whatever the circumstance, I complained to the landlord and while I have not got a response, he sometimes acts and waits for a few days to make sure the problem is solved before following up.

For the last 24 hours I have not heard the fan. Hopefully it is because they were told to shut it off or maybe it broke.

As long as I can get some sleep I do not care why.

Evidently that noisy fan was causing a much bigger problem the I thought.

Many times I just put up with stuff – this time I am glad I have opened my mouth.

Lingering Sickness

I can not seem to get rid of this virus. Inconsistent coughing, short lasting fevers with chills and sweats, stomach problems every other day. Tired all the time. Joints hurt groaning and creaking when I move them.

It really sucks. I can only make it an hour in front of the computer before my head screams for a pillow or couch arm.

Recliner is unusable – laying on my back causes my lungs to fill with crap making breathing so difficult and raises my blood pressure to stroke level.

I’ll be back as soon as I recover – if I ever do.

I wonder if this is what the process of dying is like. If it is, I wish it would hurry up.

Moving Slowly

I have been completely run down the last few days, maybe the last two weeks. I get up at 3 or 4 am and make it until 9 or 10 am then I am done.

I can barely make it to bed. If I have not eaten, too bad – I go to bed hungry. I’ll sleep two or three hours, not very good sleep but it is sleep and then I get to pee, get a drink and back to bed where I might toss and turn for fifteen minutes then back to a restless sleep.

Most days I forced myself up at 3 pm, took a shower and watched stupid TV or surfed the computer. The last two or three days I just let myself sleep and it has been 630 or 7 pm before I get my ass up.

Then I am starved so I eat whatever is easy and take a shower sometime before 10 or 11. I watched whatever crap I recorded that night and am back in bed around midnight or 1 am.

And the cycle starts all over. I just feel like crap – so whatever it is I hope it stops soon. This is boring as hell.

By the way, has anyone called him President “O’ yet – like ‘O’ for Oprah.

No malice intended – just thought it was an odd thought.

History was made – many blacks are still stunned about what happened.

In my opinion the everyday person finally decided to let their voice be heard. The egotistical, greedy, power hungry idiot politicians have screwed the normal person’s everyday life up.

It was time to start fixing things and they did.

Only time will tell if President ‘O’ can pull everything together and keep the idiots in check.

Nightmares

I have had the same nightmare for three nites running. I am driving down a road in the city and stop for a stop light in the turn lane. A man is walking across the street, looks at me then lunges through the passenger window asking for a cigarette.

I tell him no.

He lunges grabbing me around the neck and I return the gesture but I also step on the gas and start pounding his face with my other fist while driving with my knee.

A cop gets behind us with lights and sirens but the guy won't let go. So I squeeze his throat harder and poke at his eyes. He screams when I hit my target and lets go of me. But I hang on because do not want to let him get away.

I slam on the brakes and the cop pulls up on the passenger side and grabs the guy - he tells me to let go but I can't - my hand is frozen. The cop pulls harder and I know it appears to him I am trying to kill the guy. He tells me to let go or he will shoot. I yell NO, don't shoot but then the guy does.

I still have him by the throat but I look down and see a red stain spreading across my chest. I look up and I see an old friend turning blue then I hear another shot and he goes limp and I wake up in a cold sweat.

It seems so real.

Weather Memories

Looking out the frosted bathroom window I saw some flakes of something illuminated by my nightlight (the street light).

I assume it was snow flakes. I contemplated the wisp of flakes a bit and looked through my memories as has become my habit too many times during a normal day.

The first snow I remember is a record breaking storm in the sixties – can’t say early or late and am not inclined to look it up.

I just remember I was young but not too young to shovel snow.

The only problem was there was so much of it and I was not able to lift a shovel full if I let the shovel scrape the concrete. I had to insert the shovel about half-way down and take very small scoops.

No vehicles were able to navigate our street. I remember being out of school for a week and the school was less then a block away. I do not remember anything getting up or down our street until the end-loaders loaded the store into dump trucks.

I tried to walk to the park beside the school but was worn out fighting the wet snow after a half block.

I remember Dad walking to work – he was like that. I also seem to remember he refused or did not like to wear a hat. Might be false memory and not important. He would always bring home a few groceries each night even though the store had to be a few blocks out of his way.

I don’t remember another storm that bad until the last few years.

My next weather related memory was a tornado warning on the same street.

The air raid sirens were sounding and the rest of the family was in the basement. For whatever reason, Dad and I were on the front porch and saw a funnel cloud drop from the clouds several miles away.

It was a small funnel and slipped back up into the clouds in a few seconds but I always remember it whenever I hear the tornado warnings.

Next was the ice storm of 1977 or 1978. I had just starting working for the police department. We were on full alert in the garage but kept losing electricity. The department’s emergency generator would not start automatically so someone had to baby sit it 24-hours a say.

I remember dropping my wife and kids at her mother’s – it was warmer or they still had power – I don’t remember why.

But I do remember that on the drive back to the police station I drove down a tree lined street and it sounded like hail was destroying the car – failing ice. At one stop sign I had just pulled away and a branch the size of a bus fell blocking the street where I had just been.

Thirty seconds earlier and it would have landed on the car. I spent the few hours I was off at home – it was so cold – the furnace was kicking on but would shut off when the fan failed to start.

I was so cold that one night I slept in the car I was driving with the motor running waking up ever hour or so to go back in and run the water to prevent the pipes from freezing. Luckily we had a gas water heater that provided plenty of hot water but toweling dry sucked. Going out with wet hair was worse.

Two more memories – I was in Joliet repairing a computer and a tornado warning was issued but I did not hear it. I was deep inside a building that stopped the noise from the sirens.

When I went out to get a part from the truck, the sky was a deep dark green – very scary sky swirling in a circle – it was dead quiet except for the sound of the sirens.

I learned later the sky I saw was a debris cloud. Two or three blocks away the tornado had removed the roofs from five buildings but no remains were ever found. I think I saw them that night a few hundred feet above my head.

And the last was recent. The night two tornados touched down in town – one very close to Dad’s – he heard it while in the basement. At the same time he was in the basement, my son and I stood on my back porch and watched the clouds spin.

When the golf ball sized hail started pounding the roof and siding we both headed for the basement two stories below.

There used to be a real life old air raid siren in the back yard. It was replaced when the city upgraded the system after these tornados.

That night it was blaring but we could still hear the hail pound the house. I stole a look out a basement window. I could not see the neighboring house less then twenty feet away. Shortly after that the entire city lost power. The siren in the back yard was silenced.

The rain and hail were hellish but it did not end there.

A second wave of storms came through about 2 AM the next morning. My son and his family had gone to sleep downstairs. I laid down with a battery powered weather radio beside me.

It went off with the new tornado warning. I stumbled downstairs to wake them. It took several yells to get them awake and I went to my granddaughter’s room and had to shake her several times to get her moving.

We all stumbled downstairs and listened to the regular radio about people being trapped in a movie theater because of downed power lines or poles in all directions.

They were eating cold popcorn and drinking bottled water and were moving around using the lights from their cell phones.

Then the storm hit just as ferocious as the first. Since the power was off, the radio host suggested people go out and honk their car horns or call the neighbors and wake them.

During the worse part of the storm the power came back on. My grandkids were wide eyed and hanging on dad and mom tightly.

Then silence for about 30 seconds – we could hear my TV two stories above. The storm had passed but then we all got a scare. The air raid siren started back up and sounded for at least another twenty minutes.

We didn’t care – the weather radio gave the all clear and we all went to bed even though the siren was sounding.

I was still listening to the normal radio when the host said another wave was a few hours out. I was so tired but didn’t want to fall into a deep sleep in case the electricity went out.

I got up and watched the weather and listened to all the radio callers describe the damage and their experiences.

At 8 AM the last wave of weather came through – very mild thunderstorms. I finally went to bed when the cable TV went off air.

It had survived two tornados and hundreds of lightening strikes but it could not escape a utility worker cutting down broken poles and gathering the wires up.

The main feed was cut and took several hours to find and repair.

In fifty-six years that is the weather events I remember.

The Night Light

I can tell winter is almost here OR that a tree lost a branch. During the time trees have leafs my bathroom is very dark at night.

Unless the moon is out and in the west it is best if I turn on the light to help me ‘aim’ unless I sit to pee.

Once the leafs start to fall, there is a street light that shines right into my bathroom providing plenty of light for almost any activity.

I call it my night light and today, after the high winds, my night light is back.

One of life’s simple pleasures.

What Time Is It?

I now spend most of my time not knowing what time it is. I can ‘see’ the clock as an object but not enough details to read the time. It had become more common in the last few weeks and is just one of those things I am adjusting to.

I use to have a clock on the computer that would ‘tell’ me the time every half hour but I lost it and can’t find it (help - I’ve fallen and can’t get up). It’s one of those things I keep forgetting to mention when a person with sight visits.

I know if it is dark or light but I have no idea how much time is left of either unless I notice daylight come or go.

At night it could be 8:30 pm or 4:30 am – I have no idea.

I have been using the sun during daylight hours (if it is out) to ‘guess’ at the time and have been very successful.

Lately I turn on the radio hoping to hear the time but many times it becomes background noise and I never hear the time.

I do know when some talk show hosts are on so I know the time within three hours but that is not always fool proof since some of the hosts repeat their ‘best of’ at different times.

So far it has not been a real problem. I watch almost no TV –why watch when I can’t see it. Listening to TV is not like listening to radio – too much info missing.

For weeks my cell phone had been beeping at the same time everyday. I some how set a daily alarm I could not kill and have no idea how I set it.

This evening my daughter took me to visit my father. Her son was dressed for Halloween and she wanted to show him off. Such a cute kid – I wish I could see him.

My phone alarm went off and I asked her to ‘fix’ it. It was set for 5:32 pm daily.

So for several weeks I knew when the alarm went off it was the same time as it was yesterday and the day before that. I just didn’t know what time it was.

Think about that for a minute. You knew when a certain moment in history occurred every day but did not know (until now) what time that moment in history was.

So how do I tell time? I don’t – I guess and most times don’t care. I go to sleep when I am tired. Sometimes I wake up having no idea how long I have slept – if I feel OK I just get up – if I am still tired then I go back to sleep.

Tonight I know it was about 11:30 pm when I went to sleep. I heard it on the radio. I woke and felt pretty good so I got up to proofread another story I had written.

By now you know I don’t read a damn thing – I listen to my computer read it to me. Twice I heard the radio tell me what time it was at the same time the computer ‘spoke’ and talked over it.

I just found out it was 1245 am. That means I might have slept a half hour or less.

I think I’ll go back to bed and hope I have not screwed up this post too bad.